I have not blogged in many moons. Sometimes even over-sharers like myself need a little break to go offline, live life in the flesh, make mistakes, fix mistakes, fall in love, fall out of love, and come back to report back to the masses. Since it’s the first day of a new year I decided to start a new series of blog entries to share even more about my personal life in addition to my physical health and exercise updates. Welcome to my mental health updates!
Entry #1: We Need To Talk.
“We Need to Talk” are four of the scariest words if you are ever in a relationship. Yesterday was New Years Eve and I was planning to drive over to my very new boyfriend’s apartment to ring in the new year, just the two of us, when he called after work and said he was on his way over to my house because “we need to talk”. My heart sank and I sent a warning text to my sister and good friend to be prepared to answer my call. This was a young flourishing relationship of two months, but as with the dangers of finding a partner so close to the holidays he surprised me and gladly met my entire family on Christmas and accompanied me to many dinner parties and social engagements. Those 2 months felt like 6 months with how much time we spent together and how many activities we were doing or planning. Those four words hit me like a ton of bricks but in reality, after only 2 months, it was always a possibility. Hell after 30 years those words are always a possibility.
He and I got along so well, it was easy being myself with him on all levels. He never judged and we have similar values and core beliefs. I knew it was a lot to get all wrapped up in so soon, but we talked about our speed often and made a conscious effort to be honest and enjoy getting to know one another and live in the moment. I sensed him getting caught up in the fantasy of the future, but then reality would bring him back and all was ok. Or so I thought. It was the first relationship where I honestly felt I didn’t have to worry of him straying or leaving or being unhappy. He was attentive, communicative, affectionate, planning dates, and a genuine wordsmith who actually showed me the loving and thoughtful actions in person that he professed over text and message. He was the perfect boyfriend for me as he knew about my cheating and manipulative exes and made an effort to not hide anything. I didn’t want that to be a red flag, but in hindsight it clearly was.
So, why did he need to talk?
1. The man decided he didn’t want more kids. He is a divorced father of a 7 year old son and 4 year old daughter and was originally open to the idea of having more kids, seemed excited at the possibility in fact. I am a unicorn. I am 36, never married, with no kids. This has been by choice, but not because I don’t want those things. It’s because I have yet to find the person willing to commit to without ending up committed. I know I want a child and cannot date a man seriously who is not open to the idea of having a family one day. I make this known, it is not a secret in my dating life. On New Years Eve he tells me that he thought if he would meet his perfect woman then he would want to have more kids. That is a pretty skewed interpretation of “being open to having kids”. There seemed to be a footnote there somewhere. He then came to the conclusion that he was done with that chapter in his life and has many more things he wants to do with his time. Fair enough. I’m glad he told me after 2 months and not 24 eggs later.
2. The main reason for the dumping – He is still in love with his ex-girlfriend: a separated woman with children that he dated for less than a year and who dumped him a year before he started dating me. He dated her between me and his ex-wife of 4 years who left him after 5 years of marriage. (I knew this about his past and noted it as a red flag I waited to see play out). Sadly, this is not my first ex-girlfriend-still-has-an-unhealthy-hold-of-my-partner’s-heart rodeo and I even told him details about my ex. But this man was good at compartmentalizing his emotions and my natural instinct of being able to read people was truly put to the test. I honestly had no clue, no gut feeling, even in hindsight, that I didn’t have 100% of his interest and attention and that is scary. He made me feel stupid, and I am not stupid. The guilt eventually got to him, hence the great NYE confession of 2015 when he cut me loose. I will give him credit that he told me in person, face to face. He was finally honest about something he apparently struggled with for 1.5 out of our 2 month relationship. (pay attention to those numbers) Perhaps too honest as he asked me if I was ever in a perfect relationship where everything was just great and fit together effortlessly because that’s what he had with his ex. To which I answered, “yes, so i thought, and it just ended.” Pro tip Guys, don’t gush about the ex girlfriend you are still in love with while you are dumping your current girlfriend. That’s just bad form.
But I have a few problems with the choices he made during our young romance. Maybe put a pin in all the relationship building activities while you are figuring out your emotions regarding an ex who started messing with your head alluding to wanting you back TWO WEEKS INTO YOUR NEW COURTSHIP? It’s still early enough to be confused and slow your roll and think hey, maybe I shouldn’t tell this new girl I’ve made things exclusive with that I love her 2 weeks after my ex-girlfriend contacts me and gets inside my head. Maybe I should not push send on a Christmas day message to my girlfriend saying “You, my lady, are a joy that makes this guy eager to learn the ins and outs and all of you as time goes by.” less than a week before dumping her? Maybe I can continue to get to know this new girl without the false security in my words & actions that I am doing clearly because I am a nice guy. See, nice guys are not always using their kindness for good. And if the man apologized for “hurting me” one more time instead of taking responsibility for his actions, I was going to unleash the back room lot of my very protective friends & family.
I do believe he went into this relationship with the best of intentions and his actions were idiotic but not malicious. A 38 year old divorced man of two young children who tries to please everyone while ignoring himself and what is true is not someone I need in my life. Was I harsh laughing in his face when he said he still wants to be friends? Maybe. I have enough friends and I stand by the rule of never staying friends with an ex. I don’t need that drama, I have Netflix & cats!