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The Katy Diaries Entry #2

“I’m Sorry I Hurt You”

It is said with the best intentions by people who inadvertently caused someone emotional pain.  You are trying your best to be kind and show compassion and say the right thing, but in my heartfelt opinion you are not fully taking responsibility for the actions that lead up to the hurt.  Admitting you are sorry for the damage done to ones heart is only half of it.  If it was not intentional, your choices and actions that lead to someone’s pain should still be recognized.  Telling someone “I’m sorry I hurt you” is like telling someone you are sorry they are human.

If you truly want to be sorry, be sorry for what you did or how you went about your decisions.  For example, I would say “I’m sorry I punched you in the face” or “I’m sorry I never told you I was pining over an ex throughout our relationship even though I told you convincingly I was completely over them.”

Look I get it, my ex wanted to be the man who could love someone like me. He felt something for me, he felt a love there, but it wasn’t “THE love”.  I know it took time for him to come to that conclusion and he was honest with me when he figured it all out.  I know I’m a strong personality, I know I am not typical or normal, I know I am unique and weird and I love that about myself.  I just ask that if you aren’t sure and are confused about your feelings for me, you clue me in and take a “break” or slow down so I can make my own decision on whether I want to continue to be with you to see if we are meant to be together, or not.  It’s not up to only you in a partnership to make that decision secretly, otherwise your partner feels like the rug is being pulled out from beneath them once the light bulb goes off in your head and heart.  If you truly want to be a “nice guy” you would be communicative early on before an emotional investment has been made.  It’s not rocket science, it’s common dating courtesy.

I refuse to tell myself I’m lucky I even got an answer or the truth, because no one, man or woman, deserves to have their heart toyed with or have someone just disappear on them after cultivating a loving relationship.  That’s what can create tough, cold, bitter humans and no matter how hard they try not to have a new love pay the price of an ex, it’s really…really…difficult.  I know I’ll have trouble trusting the next guy, but I am not the kind of girl to let my heart harden.  I will just keep the wall up as long as needed, and the right guy will patiently wait for it to come tumbling down.

The Katy Diaries Entry #1

I have not blogged in many moons.  Sometimes even over-sharers like myself need a little break to go offline, live life in the flesh, make mistakes, fix mistakes, fall in love, fall out of love, and come back to report back to the masses.  Since it’s the first day of a new year I decided to start a new series of blog entries to share even more about my personal life in addition to my physical health and exercise updates.  Welcome to my mental health updates!

Entry #1: We Need To Talk.

“We Need to Talk” are four of the scariest words if you are ever in a relationship. Yesterday was New Years Eve and I was planning to drive over to my very new boyfriend’s apartment to ring in the new year, just the two of us, when he called after work and said he was on his way over to my house because “we need to talk”.  My heart sank and I sent a warning text to my sister and good friend to be prepared to answer my call.  This was a young flourishing relationship of two months, but as with the dangers of finding a partner so close to the holidays he surprised me and gladly met my entire family on Christmas and accompanied me to many dinner parties and social engagements.   Those 2 months felt like 6 months with how much time we spent together and how many activities we were doing or planning. Those four words hit me like a ton of bricks but in reality, after only 2 months, it was always a possibility.  Hell after 30 years those words are always a possibility.

He and I got along so well, it was easy being myself with him on all levels.  He never judged and we have similar values and core beliefs.  I knew it was a lot to get all wrapped up in so soon, but we talked about our speed often and made a conscious effort to be honest and enjoy getting to know one another and live in the moment. I sensed him getting caught up in the fantasy of the future, but then reality would bring him back and all was ok.  Or so I thought.  It was the first relationship where I honestly felt I didn’t have to worry of him straying or leaving or being unhappy.  He was attentive, communicative, affectionate, planning dates, and a genuine wordsmith who actually showed me the loving and thoughtful actions in person that he professed over text and message.  He was the perfect boyfriend for me as he knew about my cheating and manipulative exes and made an effort to not hide anything.  I didn’t want that to be a red flag, but in hindsight it clearly was.

So, why did he need to talk?

1. The man decided he didn’t want more kids.  He is a divorced father of a 7 year old son and 4 year old daughter and was originally open to the idea of having more kids, seemed excited at the possibility in fact.  I am a unicorn.  I am 36, never married, with no kids.  This has been by choice, but not because I don’t want those things.  It’s because I have yet to find the person willing to commit to without ending up committed.  I know I want a child and cannot date a man seriously who is not open to the idea of having a family one day.  I make this known, it is not a secret in my dating life.  On New Years Eve he tells me that he thought if he would meet his perfect woman then he would want to have more kids.  That is a pretty skewed interpretation of “being open to having kids”. There seemed to be a footnote there somewhere.  He then came to the conclusion that he was done with that chapter in his life and has many more things he wants to do with his time.  Fair enough.  I’m glad he told me after 2 months and not 24 eggs later.

2.  The main reason for the dumping – He is still in love with his ex-girlfriend:  a separated woman with children that he dated for less than a year and who dumped him a year before he started dating me.  He dated her between me and his ex-wife of 4 years who left him after 5 years of marriage.  (I knew this about his past and noted it as a red flag I waited to see play out).  Sadly, this is not my first ex-girlfriend-still-has-an-unhealthy-hold-of-my-partner’s-heart rodeo and I even told him details about my ex.  But this man was good at compartmentalizing his emotions and my natural instinct of being able to read people was truly put to the test.  I honestly had no clue, no gut feeling, even in hindsight, that I didn’t have 100% of his interest and attention and that is scary.  He made me feel stupid, and I am not stupid.  The guilt eventually got to him, hence the great NYE confession of 2015 when he cut me loose.  I will give him credit that he told me in person, face to face.  He was finally honest about something he apparently struggled with for 1.5 out of our 2 month relationship. (pay attention to those numbers)  Perhaps too honest as he asked me if I was ever in a perfect relationship where everything was just great and fit together effortlessly because that’s what he had with his ex.  To which I answered, “yes, so i thought, and it just ended.”  Pro tip Guys, don’t gush about the ex girlfriend you are still in love with while you are dumping your current girlfriend.  That’s just bad form.

But I have a few problems with the choices he made during our young romance.  Maybe put a pin in all the relationship building activities while you are figuring out your emotions regarding an ex who started messing with your head alluding to wanting you back TWO WEEKS INTO YOUR NEW COURTSHIP?    It’s still early enough to be confused and slow your roll and think hey, maybe I shouldn’t tell this new girl I’ve made things exclusive with that I love her 2 weeks after my ex-girlfriend contacts me and gets inside my head.  Maybe I should not push send on a Christmas day message to my girlfriend saying “You, my lady, are a joy that makes this guy eager to learn the ins and outs and all of you as time goes by.” less than a week before dumping her?  Maybe I can continue to get to know this new girl without the false security in my words & actions that I am doing clearly because I am a nice guy.  See, nice guys are not always using their kindness for good.  And if the man apologized for “hurting me” one more time instead of taking responsibility for his actions, I was going to unleash the back room lot of my very protective friends & family.

I do believe he went into this relationship with the best of intentions and his actions were idiotic but not malicious.  A 38 year old divorced man of two young children who tries to please everyone while ignoring himself and what is true is not someone I need in my life.  Was I harsh laughing in his face when he said he still wants to be friends?  Maybe.  I have enough friends and I stand by the rule of never staying friends with an ex.  I don’t need that drama, I have Netflix & cats!



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