This past week has been an emotional roller coaster full of change, not necessarily bad, but different with lot’s of “unknowns”. That can be a self-destructive ED (Eating Disorder) trigger of mine. Fear of the unknown. I’ve only recently been trying to live in the present. I have my good days and my bad. I tend to eat my feelings instead of dealing with them, and right now I’m not even sure what my feelings are so I’ve regressed to bad food and ED habits to numb my anxiety. To offset these horrible food decisions, I’ve been trying to balance out the high calorie intake with high calorie burns at the gym. Although I’m enjoying being back at the gym, the reason why I go now is not my norm, so I’ve been feeling very stressed and unhappy and not very healthy at all. This is a vicious cycle that I do not want to live for the rest of my life. All I need to do to feel happy again is gain control of my decisions. I sometimes think I’m not in as much control as I really am over my decisions. I need to reset my mind and expectations of myself. Easier said than done, but not impossible. I am also trying to focus on meditation to calm my mind and I’ve had some struggles, but I have hope the benefits will outweigh the struggle.
I’ve made little food decisions that I am going to deem small victories. Late at night when I feel the urge to binge or munch, I’ve been filling myself with fruits and veggies and smoothies! Small changes can lead to big changes, so I hope, and I am going against every grain of my “all or nothing” persona to try and not lose hope and give up completely. I am trying to learn from past mistakes and not dwell on them. I’ve been carb and fat overloading throughout these past few days, and since I’m not planning to run a Marathon anytime soon, that has to change. I know going to the gym can increase your appetite, but this is more than that. I’m not hungry and I’m eating. That is just habit.
Eating to excess is more than just loving food, in fact I tend to vilify food which is not a healthy mindset. It’s much more complex and something I’ve been working on understanding. I am well aware that I am full, painfully so, yet I still want that apple with peanut butter. Saying “stop” seems harder than just giving in to the craving. Tips like “waiting 20 minutes” is lost on me when I’m in this mindset of NOW NOW NOW. When I’m alone, it’s the worst. Distractions and hobbies and companionship are key for me to continue on a healthy path. Boredom and loneliness are more triggers of mine that need to, and will, be dealt with very soon.
I am starting to realize I do better, make better decisions, as part of a team. For example, my friend and co-worker wants to go to the buffet style cafeteria on campus for lunch today. At first my reaction was NOOOOOOO, oh the humanity!!! But then after telling her my recent struggles, owning them, I realized I will be OK with her there. She knows me. She knows my struggles with food, and though she graciously offered to go somewhere else, I told her that having her there will keep me accountable. It is a true test of my will power, which I know is a flaw of mine in every sense of the word. I am not a hermit living in a dietary controlled house, so I will be given these tests for the rest of my life. If you know your flaws, then you can work with them. If you befriend your monsters, then you become a lot braver than you think. Would I love to be magically “fixed” and never struggle with food again, of course! Reality says different. I need to recognize my triggers, change my reactions, and just do better.
This past week was full of poor food decisions. This next week won’t be.