It’s time I crawl out from under my offline rock and get back into the blogging hemisphere. I have much appreciation for those who continue to blog through the valleys of life, and I hope one day to be able to get to that point without turning into an Eeyore type personality.
Now it’s time to brace yourself and read a list of things I’ve learned over the past 6 months. The bottom line is when someone you unconditionally love takes advantage of your kindness and betrays your trust, I found there are ways to move forward.
- Trust yourself. Trust your instincts. If you don’t have tangible evidence or proof but something going on in your relationship or your world in general doesn’t feel right, trust in your emotional intelligence. Hopefully you can distinguish control or abandonment issues from gut feelings. Sometimes I can’t until it’s too late and hindsight has become 20/20. But damnit, I am a smart woman. I am determined to trust myself more from this point on.
- Know that you are stronger than you may think. Know that if you are not happy, you deserve better. Know that your happiness should come before anyone elses and if someone is directly effecting your own mental health you must not ignore it or sweep it under the rug no matter how often the other person refuses to confront the issue. I do not mean to say you should be a selfish douchenozzle and fail to empathize with others. I have learned that you won’t be able to get that warm and fuzzy feeling that comes with helping others if you aren’t taking care of your own emotional, physical, and spiritual well being. It’s been a battle for me, and after 35 years I’ve realized I need to stop preaching and start believing.
3. Feel & Deal.
- Feel the good, the bad, and the ugly and don’t put a time limit on it . Years ago a good friend told me that you need to feel the hurt someone inflicted upon you so you never forget how that particular person effected you. I am someone who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, so this is advice I personally take with a grain of salt as every situation is different. But I often refer to those words when a person leads me into a gut wrenching wave of hurt. I’m also a type of person who wants to deal with any negative situation fast and furious because my rational side is saying MOVE ON, don’t be a Debbie Downer, while my sensitive side is clearly not listening. If you are feeling great one day it’s completely understandable to not feel so great the next day. I’ve had to hear that a few times from my loving friends over the past few months after I showed much frustration over my roller coaster emotions. I repeat, there is no magic time limit! Ride the emotional wave, call on others for support, and the people who truly care about you will never make you feel like you cannot reach out to them or that your feelings aren’t justified. If you must be an island but cannot find emotional ease, look to yourself to figure out why you try to do it all on your own instead of leaning on someone, whether it be a professional, family member, clergy, or friend.
- Deal with the crappy negative emotions now so you can move to the beautiful and positive emotions later. Be patient. I’m not a patient person when it comes to myself, so this is especially difficult for me to accept. Deal with it so you can eventually put it behind you and possibly turn your trunks of baggage into a few carry on bags.
- Cleanse your life of emotional vampires. There are 5 types of emotional vampires: Narcissistic, Victim, Controller, Constant talker, and Drama Queen. I may sound like a drama queen myself, but I recently cleansed my life of a couple of huge emotional vampires. These types of people are the worst kind of abusers because most don’t see any harm in their actions and there is no physical scarring. There is plenty of psychological damage that can be done though if you are not self aware, careful, and trusting of your own instincts.
- Forgiveness is an act for yourself, not others. In some cases it’s your “self” that you must learn to forgive! In all the research I’ve done over the past month in trying to understand if I’ve forgiven a specific person, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no timeline. If you feel that you’ve forgiven someone but still get angered at the thought of what happened, you probably have not truly forgiven them and that’s ok! Forgiveness does not make their actions any less excusable and it does not make you a bad person if you are unable to forgive! There may be specific things you deem unforgivable but true forgiveness cannot be forced. Be genuine with your forgiveness. Find it in your heart to forgive somebody for making a poor decision, or find it in your soul to forgive yourself for making a mistake (during this past relationship I made the mistake of letting my health and goals fall by the wayside, failing to put myself first, which I plan to write about in a future post). You will then find yourself free of any hold the person had on you. Afterwards, you can truly begin to move on.
- Love yourself, love others, keep loving even after your heart has been smashed into a million pieces. Love those who appreciate, support, comfort, educate, respect , and are kind. I’ll never stop loving and falling in love. It can get quite exhausting after being taken advantage of more than once, but I believe in Karma and in the power of positive thinking. There are many degrees of love and I think everyone deserves love and happiness, even the emotional vampires. I’ve learned to be a little more selective to whom I give my love but I will not give up on it’s amazing power. Sometimes you come across a bad seed in a world full of good ones, but don’t let them sour your spirit.
- Take your experience and learn from how it all unfolded. My goal is to take negative heart crushing experiences and grow from every single detail without ending up a bitter old lonely cat lady or changing my trusting and gregarious nature. I’ve come across the paths of people with many more years on this earth who have a delusional version of reality and truth and may never learn from their mistakes. On the one hand it makes me sad, on the other hand it’s really none of my concern and I can continue to lead a fulfilling life without their skewed influence. A life I love, and a life I’ll only live once (since I’m unfortunately not a cat) so I might as well make it a happy and healthy life.